A concept I’ve been struggling with, toxic people can be family. I’ve constantly tried to remove toxicity and negativity from my life. There’s seriously a small handful of people in my inner circle that I trust wholeheartedly. You know what’s surprising? Majority of those people are my “chosen family.”
I’ve slowly learned to remove myself from toxic situations. I’ve grappled with certain emotions and mindsets that this comes with, or so I thought.
Growing up in a Filipino/Chinese household, the notion of family sticks together no matter what was a motto. Even after the traumas I’ve experienced, even after I turned 18, I stayed. I stayed because I felt I had the duty to. I felt that, everyone in the family left and I had to stay for my grandmother.
Even after my parents came, we waited for my sister and niece and stayed a few more years until they were more settled and we took all ourselves out of a toxic environment.
Years later, I was faced with a decision, whether to move out and live with my then BF who is now my husband or stay with the family. I struggled with that decision internally, because as the eldest daughter I had a duty to fulfill. I have a duty to family that is instilled in from the time I was born. We ware taught, our parents take care of us all our lives so that when we are older we take care of them.
Being that I am only 1 of 2 grandchildren that weren’t born in the motherland (to family we are so “americanized”, I left without asking my grandparents or parents for their permission. I made my own decision. That’s when it all started. The conversations your family has about you behind your back. “Oh they’re not married! How can she do that? What a bad example to her siblings, younger cousins and her niece! Doesn’t she know the shame we have to face? Isn’t this embarrassing?”
That was what I faced, internally I was torn between pleasing the family or pleasing myself. I chose the latter and honestly I’d do it again. It took years for me to be ok with it.
I had to choose my future, for myself, my now husband and our future family. Of course I let my parents know my plans months before and it worked out perfectly that my new job involved traveling.I felt it was a great transition for the whole family. We would all get used to me not being at home, what I failed to see and prepare for where the effects it would have on my niece.
I would literally only come home for a few hours just to drop of laundry and repack then be on the road again. My niece was used to seeing me on a daily and spending time. I failed to communicate with her these changes and what it meant for us. One weekend I found a photo booth picture of us torn because she said I left her.
I had forgotten all about that until a couple days ago. It hit me hard, like I just had a head on collision. I thought when we had the conversation 6 years ago that I explained it well enough.
I just realized these past 2 days, she has felt abandoned almost all her life. Abandoned by her father, grandparents (migrated to America), uncle (when my sister and her migrated), her mom and me. She has felt loss all her life.
We failed as a family to have these conversations regarding mental health with her when we saw the signs. With Asian cultures especially, talk of mental health is taboo. I didn’t even take the first step until I was 30 years old.
However since I took that step I tried to get my niece the same help, but what I failed at is advocating harder for her to get that help. I’m not her parent and those decisions have to be made by them.
This pandemic has been the hardest on the children. These are their primitive years. They need that social interaction with children their age.
Also distance learning is so hard, especially for those who already have a difficult time with school. My niece is smart, mature beyond her years, however the focus isn’t there. A lot of times it’s not her, but what the education system lacks for people with certain disabilities.
When the effort is put in by the teachers, and I must say in the past 6 years, only one teacher comes to mind in truly accepting and supporting my niece’s disabilities. He connected with her, he too spoke of his own disabilities. He made her feel seen, accepted and supported and she THRIVED.
She was so excited to go to school and couldn’t wait to tell us about her day after school. I wish there were more teachers like Mr. C. The kids DESERVE more teachers like him.
The feeling of abandonment, along with the pandemic and distance learning, she felt she wasn’t heard or accepted. Kids can be so mean sometimes. She stopped wearing her glasses and hearing aide in her new school and class. We made requests to have proper systems in place (teacher talks into a mic that would transmit directly into the hearing aid, or moving seats so that she can hear better) and you would think that because we have a school for the deaf in town that the request for this system would be actionable.
Moving on, because I could go on and on about this topic, with all that’s said and done all this is too much to bear for adults, let alone our kiddos. Times have changed.
Let’s be real, the past few years, especially these past 4 have been filled with turmoil and the kids are watching. The kids see everything and we should explain how things are and whats going on to them. No more of that “this is an adult conversation.” No we NEED to talk to them and explain to them what’s happening. You would be surprised at how much they comprehend.
I know I could have done a better job at that. I didn’t start talking to my niece (to the dismay of some family members) about mental health until a couple year’s ago, even though we really should have started 4 years before that. We have to do better to recognize the signs earlier on. We can’t keep thinking of the UNFATHOMABLE would never happen to us.
There’s so much more to this and there’s so much I want to say but for now I leave it at…
We truly can’t judge someone with what they choose to show externally because we never know the internal struggles people face. We adults NEED to do BETTER.
Khaye's Khronicles 