It’s officially Mental Health Awareness month. A few people have asked what is like to have anxiety and depression…Where to begin?! It’s so hard to describe everything I’m thinking or feeling when you don’t really know exactly how you’re feeling.
It’s this overwhelming feeling of wanting to do so many things but not having the will power. It’s feeling anxious about every little thing. This overwhelming worry about everything. Not wanting to do anything or go any where because of a million reasons in your head about what can go wrong. The appearance of being lazy but in reality you’re just overwhelmed by everything. I could be totally excited about something but depression makes it seem like it’s no big deal. It’s feeling scared and tired all at once, the fear of failing but not wanting to take initiative. Wanting to care about everything then not caring about anything.
The days where you feel like you’re ok, but everyone around you thinks otherwise and pushes and pushes to the point where you are no longer ok but more irritated and angry at the fact they won’t let up. Then thinking about why you got so irritated and angry then feeling so guilty, it’s a viscous cycle. It’s trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but thinking the worse case scenario. It’s wanting to be with friends but hate the thought of socializing.
There are days where everything is going just great and your surrounded by all your friends and family but you start to pull away from the group. There are moments when we go out, have a great time and out of no where regretting having gone out and just want to get home as soon as possible. Almost 98% of the time I will choose being a homebody over going any where. It’s pulling away from your friends, no longer doing the things you enjoyed or going to the places you used to frequent. There are times I feel like I’m having a panic attack when meeting someone new or being in large crowds. It’s having all these different scenarios in your head where people don’t like you, are making fun of you or getting embarrassed. I could think of how a whole conversation and encounter can go in my head and everything could go wrong. It’s not wanting to ask a stranger a simple question.
Some days are just more difficult than others. I feel the world on my shoulder and nothing I do or say seems to be right and no one can help. These are days I’ll be driving or in the shower and realize I’m crying uncontrollably and not knowing what the reason is. It could be something I heard on the radio or TV, maybe a conversation we had recently or even years ago. There are days when I just want to be alone, but at the same time not wanting to be lonely. It’s nothing personal sometimes I just need the space. It’s the nights you lose sleep thinking about things from years ago. It’s also the mornings you lay in bed all day because you just can’t get up.I overthink and push people away then feel abandoned. It’s feeling broken and no one can put the pieces together. It’s feeling like you’re never good enough for anything
I feel everything all out once and so strongly then feel numb to it all.
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”- Robin Williams
Khaye's Khronicles 