Just Bloom

Khaye Co

Some years are for growing;
but this one.
This one is for
BLOOMING
-Lauren M. Garcia

This quote perfectly sums up my 30th year. Each year I grow and learn. Each year has proven to be better than before. My 30th is no exception. I posted this on my IG a few months ago. It was around the time we started the “-ber” months. I wanted to pause and reflect on everything that happened during my 30th year. We all know that the ‘-BER” months move so quickly.

As I get older it seems time just moves a lot faster, there’s never enough time in the day to do everything I want or need to.  My 30th year has been very trying, difficult, productive, eye opening and happiest so far. I not only continued to learn and grow, but I also bloomed. I continue to learn to accept all my flaws, to do better, to push the envelope, to step out of my comfort zone, to do what makes me happy and unapologetically.  It’s taken a long time, but I’m learning to put forth what is more important, to take care of myself so that I can take care of others.

I am just so thankful for the people who are in my life. To those who encourage, support and show love unconditionally. I strive and thrive because of each of you. To suffer from #depression and #anxiety a lot of times it feels like the cards are stacked against you. Some things that are so simple to others seems like such a huge hurdle, but you can’t give up.

Surround yourself with those who love, accept and understand you. Do things on your own time, your own rules and just #BLOOM your own way. Find what makes you happy and I’m so happy that I finally started #KhayesKreations because it helps with how I cope with everything. Arts and crafts has always been my go to. Whether I am feeling sad, angry or happy, crafting was my outlet. Never would I have thought of selling my crafts, let alone displaying them for public view.

In doing this I have been able to step out of my comfort zone. Taking in the orders and chatting with clients and having to process the orders in a given time has definitely held me more accountable. Sure there is a tad bit of “proCRAFTinating” but overall this is a step in the right direction. Don’t get me wrong this didn’t come out of nowhere. I’ve been making arts and crafts since I could scissors and crayons. I would make things for friends here and there, it was with the encouragement of my family and friends that I started my Etsy shop back in April of 2018 but didn’t post my first listing until Oct 2018.

This is what I’m passionate about. Being able to turn my clients ideas into something worthy to be displayed. It also helps me cope. Mental health isn’t something to be embarrassed about, the more I talk about it the more I realize I’m not alone. I hope you all find what makes you happy.

 

 

Unfinished…

Khaye Co

It has been a while since my last blog. It’s not that I have not been writing, there are a bunch of drafts I left unfinished. I really truly did want to write AND publish more than I did, especially during the month of May, so I do apologize. I took the last couple of months to truly figure things out about myself and just life in general. Maybe one day I’ll go through and post them all.

In the last few months I have spoken to others who find themselves in the same boat as me. It is amazing how many people you meet or have known for a while and are struggling internally. You just need to start talking. Get past the stigma, get past the embarrassment. Speak up, not just for you but everyone else who cannot.

You would be surprised at how many of us are out there, silently going through life, barely getting by. I can’t express enough how much weight has been lifted off my shoulder just by merely typing away (even if I have not posted) or speaking to someone.

This summer I chose to spend more time with my family. We went to a few trips, experienced a lot of firsts and truly just enjoyed each other’s company. I definitely needed that. It helped me remember where I came from and who I aspired to be growing up. Sharing stories from the past, remembering who I was BEFORE the trauma and getting away from every thing was just what the doctor ordered.

I chose to live in the moment and try to get away from the past. Honestly there is no getting away from the past. In a way it has shaped me into who I am now. I fought hard to get to where I am now mentally and emotionally. I am no where near perfect, but I am doing better than where I was in the beginning of the year. I may not have reached all my goals in the last couple of months, but at least I am still trying.

The one thing I have learned in the past few months… it’s ok to leave things unfinished… for a little while. Anxiety and depression…you want or feel like you have so much to do, but just can’t bring yourself to start or finish anything. Take it one step at a time, know your limits and know yourself. Some people thrive when challenged, some buckle down and some depending on the situation some can experience both scenarios. All you can do is try your best, if one thing doesn’t work for you try something else, take a break for a little bit, ask for help. Pause, inhale and step back. I guarantee that feeling you get once you have completed a task you tried so hard to even start will make it all worth it.

until next time…

 

 

Defeated

Khaye Co

They say when it rains it pours, well there has been an internal storm for about 2 weeks now. I have tried to put my best foot forward but with the stresses of work, and just life in general, it’s making it really difficult. It’s as if life is saying, “Oh things are going really great for you, let me throw you a curve ball really quick!”

The perfect word for how I feel today, defeated.  It’s not just today it is a build up from the last couple of weeks. It is as if I take a step forward but then 2 steps back. Starting to feel like no matter what I do I just can’t get out of this funk. I get over one hump just to find 10 more ahead of me.

I can’t seem to find that work-life balance. I can feel getting burnt out and wearing myself thin. It was the same exact emotions I felt during Santa Rosa fires back in October. (Which I have come to the conclusion was my breaking point)

October 2017 was definitely one of the most stressful months for me.  A fire broke out in Santa Rosa and I met quite a few people during my work travels and absolutely love that area. Great food, awesome drinks and even better company, what more could you ask for? I remember waking up Oct 9th going to work and we had an emergency meeting. There was no doubt that I wanted to volunteer to go to Santa Rosa and help out any way I can.

There was no way I could be a nurse like my grandparents wanted. I’m such a baby when it comes to needles, blood and just bodily fluids in general. I chose to have a career in Pharmacy because of my neighborhood pharmacist, she was a pillar in our community. I wanted to be just like her. She was someone everyone trusted, she was helpful, smart and admirable. We had to do a project in school and she was supportive and encouraged me to follow my dreams. She even let me inside the pharmacy to watch her work and allowed me to help her organize the scripts. From then on I knew I HAD to be the pharmacy.

Any who, back to Santa Rosa. I remember it all so vividly. I remember driving up and seeing all the smoke and burnt land. The first day we stopped to eat not too far from Graton Casino and when the owners found out we were there to help they were so appreciative and they told us stories and I just felt so humbled. We drove back and forth that whole week, because there were no hotels available. There were so many people displaced and the fire moved so fast, the priority was to find those who lost homes places to stay and we were ok with that. That is how it should be.

I was definitely not ready for what I saw, the emotions I felt, and the stories I heard. It took a lot out of me to see all that and try to be strong in the midst of it all. I know a lot of people reading might be like, “WTF it’s not like you experienced it. You did lose your home and everything in it.” True I did not and I can’t imagine what it’s like for all those directly affected who are still trying to rebuild up to today.  The first day everyone had their phones near by and every time their phones went off I could feel myself holding my breath. Many employees would drop what they were doing and run out because they needed to evacuate. Everyone was on edge. We all worked long hours with minimum sleep and dealt with whatever struggles we faced that day.

I say I was not ready because nothing could ever have prepared me for that week. So many of the patients that came to the pharmacy were displaced. They lost EVERYTHING to that fire. The pharmacies were running low on meds, tension and stress levels were high. We tried to remain as calm as we could but really how could we? Patients were frustrated, looked defeated, lost, sad and angry. We became their punching bags or shoulders  to cry on, we did our best to be strong for them and do what we could to assist in any way no matter how long it took. We took on tasks we normally would not have and I don’t regret any of it.

All this takes a toll on us. To hear such devastating stories and to see it all in person is totally different from watching it on the news. It didn’t help that while we were miles and miles away from home trying to assist we still had to perform our job functions at our home facility.  So after commuting 4 hours daily, working at least 10 hour days we still had to make sure we stayed on top of our tasks which meant working at home and doing the same thing again for the next 4 days.

I was spread too thin.  I put myself in an environment that was just too much. I tried to do too much and couldn’t stay on top of anything! The past few days my hands have been tingling like feeling numb and it happens when my anxiety starts to build up. There are just so many projects at work that I can’t seem to get done. So many tasks to complete, it’s as if I complete one task and 5 more get added. Too many meetings on and offsite which makes it so much harder to complete everything I need. I missed due dates for certain things, I messing up things and I should know better not to.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for all the projects, tasks and everything else I have been trusted with, I just need to find that work-life balance. I’ve even started leaving my lap top at work so that I can’t log into anything work related… and yet I feel defeated. I try to get everything done at work, have time for the home life and time for what makes me happy, which is arts and crafts. I’ve found that the older I get there is just never enough time in the day…

For some people this may seem trivial or that I’m just feeling sorry for myself or looking for pity and truly that is not the case. I can’t explain it’s just how I feel and I know there are others out there who understand, once we get into this mindset it’s difficult to find our way  out, but I won’t stop trying.

Tomorrow is a new day…

 

Where did it all go wrong?

Khaye Co

What exactly causes depression or anxiety?

According to Harvard Medical,

“It’s often said that depression results from a chemical imbalance, but that figure of speech doesn’t capture how complex the disease is. Research suggests that depression doesn’t spring from simply having too much or too little of certain brain chemicals. Rather, there are many possible causes of depression, including faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems. It’s believed that several of these forces interact to bring on depression.”

The past few months since my 30th birthday I have been trying to figure out where it all changed? Honestly I have no idea. Can you truly sift through all the memories of the past and try to pinpoint anything? I’ve gone through journals, yearbooks, scrapbooks and miscellaneous pictures that I’ve tried to put in chronological order and there are a few things that could have:

  1. Abuse (physical, verbal and sexual)
  2. Growing up without my immediate family and feeling abandoned
  3. Pressures from grandparents (good grades, follow all directions, etc…)
  4. “Tight Leash” with the grandparents (constant checking on me, not being able to go out after school, go away for the weekends, etc…)
  5. working at a young age and providing for the family
  6. College full time, Internship, extern, and working full time while trying to maintain my GPA
  7. Financial issues
  8. Negative relationships
  9. Death of loved ones
  10. Feeling alone in everything because I wouldn’t know where to start to communicate, therefore suppressing all emotions

It could be a mix of all these. Everyone goes through different stressful situations and we all cope different ways. Some of us, like myself when I go through these types of emotions it’s hard to “just snap out of it.” I’m just trying to figure out what helps me cope, talking to someone definitely helps. I think we’ve had a couple breakthroughs. I’m getting closer to figuring things out. I may not totally understand what happened or what lead me down this path, but I am finding ways to slowly get back to my former self.

Although a part of me is thinking that maybe my goal should not be how to get back to her, but to find someone even better. I’m hoping to meet the stronger, wiser, confident, unashamed, and trusting version of myself. I hope that my trials lead me to a path that is much better than the one I just left. It’s not easy, but one can hope.

So far talking to someone on a regular basis is helping. I’m also slowly going back to my arts and crafts. Hopefully next post I can come up with a list of things to help cope…

Until next time…

 

a hell of a paradox

Khaye Co

It’s officially Mental Health Awareness month.  A few people have asked what is like to have anxiety and depression…Where to begin?! It’s so hard to describe everything I’m thinking or feeling when you don’t really know exactly how you’re feeling.

It’s this overwhelming feeling of wanting to do so many things but not having the will power. It’s feeling anxious about every little thing. This overwhelming worry about everything.  Not wanting to do anything or go any where because of a million reasons in your head about what can go wrong. The appearance of being lazy but in reality you’re just overwhelmed by everything. I could be totally excited about something but depression makes it seem like it’s no big deal. It’s feeling scared and tired all at once, the fear of failing but not wanting to take initiative. Wanting to care about everything then not caring about anything.

The days where you feel like you’re ok, but everyone around you thinks otherwise and pushes and pushes to the point where you are no longer ok but more irritated and angry at the fact they won’t let up. Then thinking about why you got so irritated and angry then feeling so guilty, it’s a viscous cycle. It’s trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but thinking the worse case scenario. It’s wanting to be with friends but hate the thought of socializing.

There are days where everything is going just great and your surrounded by all your friends and family but you start to pull away from the group. There are moments when we go out, have a great time and out of no where regretting having gone out and just want to get home as soon as possible. Almost 98% of the time I will choose being a homebody over going any where. It’s pulling away from your friends, no longer doing the things you enjoyed or going to the places you used to frequent. There are times I feel like I’m having a panic attack when meeting someone new or being in large crowds. It’s having all these different scenarios in your head where people don’t like you, are making fun of you or getting embarrassed. I could think of how a whole conversation and encounter can go in my head and everything could go wrong. It’s not wanting to ask a stranger a simple question.

Some days are just more difficult than others. I feel the world on my shoulder and nothing I do or say seems to be right and no one can help. These are days I’ll be driving or in the shower and realize I’m crying uncontrollably and not knowing what the reason is.  It could be something I heard on the radio or TV, maybe a conversation we had recently or even years ago. There are days when I just want to be alone, but at the same time not wanting to be lonely. It’s nothing personal sometimes I just need the space. It’s the nights you lose sleep thinking about things from years ago. It’s also the mornings you lay in bed all day because you just can’t get up.I overthink and push people away then feel abandoned.  It’s feeling broken and no one can put the pieces together. It’s feeling like you’re never good enough for anything

I feel everything all out once and so strongly then feel numb to it all.

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”- Robin Williams