Tag: #Depression #Anxiety

Unfinished…

Khaye Co

It has been a while since my last blog. It’s not that I have not been writing, there are a bunch of drafts I left unfinished. I really truly did want to write AND publish more than I did, especially during the month of May, so I do apologize. I took the last couple of months to truly figure things out about myself and just life in general. Maybe one day I’ll go through and post them all.

In the last few months I have spoken to others who find themselves in the same boat as me. It is amazing how many people you meet or have known for a while and are struggling internally. You just need to start talking. Get past the stigma, get past the embarrassment. Speak up, not just for you but everyone else who cannot.

You would be surprised at how many of us are out there, silently going through life, barely getting by. I can’t express enough how much weight has been lifted off my shoulder just by merely typing away (even if I have not posted) or speaking to someone.

This summer I chose to spend more time with my family. We went to a few trips, experienced a lot of firsts and truly just enjoyed each other’s company. I definitely needed that. It helped me remember where I came from and who I aspired to be growing up. Sharing stories from the past, remembering who I was BEFORE the trauma and getting away from every thing was just what the doctor ordered.

I chose to live in the moment and try to get away from the past. Honestly there is no getting away from the past. In a way it has shaped me into who I am now. I fought hard to get to where I am now mentally and emotionally. I am no where near perfect, but I am doing better than where I was in the beginning of the year. I may not have reached all my goals in the last couple of months, but at least I am still trying.

The one thing I have learned in the past few months… it’s ok to leave things unfinished… for a little while. Anxiety and depression…you want or feel like you have so much to do, but just can’t bring yourself to start or finish anything. Take it one step at a time, know your limits and know yourself. Some people thrive when challenged, some buckle down and some depending on the situation some can experience both scenarios. All you can do is try your best, if one thing doesn’t work for you try something else, take a break for a little bit, ask for help. Pause, inhale and step back. I guarantee that feeling you get once you have completed a task you tried so hard to even start will make it all worth it.

until next time…

 

 

Defeated

Khaye Co

They say when it rains it pours, well there has been an internal storm for about 2 weeks now. I have tried to put my best foot forward but with the stresses of work, and just life in general, it’s making it really difficult. It’s as if life is saying, “Oh things are going really great for you, let me throw you a curve ball really quick!”

The perfect word for how I feel today, defeated.  It’s not just today it is a build up from the last couple of weeks. It is as if I take a step forward but then 2 steps back. Starting to feel like no matter what I do I just can’t get out of this funk. I get over one hump just to find 10 more ahead of me.

I can’t seem to find that work-life balance. I can feel getting burnt out and wearing myself thin. It was the same exact emotions I felt during Santa Rosa fires back in October. (Which I have come to the conclusion was my breaking point)

October 2017 was definitely one of the most stressful months for me.  A fire broke out in Santa Rosa and I met quite a few people during my work travels and absolutely love that area. Great food, awesome drinks and even better company, what more could you ask for? I remember waking up Oct 9th going to work and we had an emergency meeting. There was no doubt that I wanted to volunteer to go to Santa Rosa and help out any way I can.

There was no way I could be a nurse like my grandparents wanted. I’m such a baby when it comes to needles, blood and just bodily fluids in general. I chose to have a career in Pharmacy because of my neighborhood pharmacist, she was a pillar in our community. I wanted to be just like her. She was someone everyone trusted, she was helpful, smart and admirable. We had to do a project in school and she was supportive and encouraged me to follow my dreams. She even let me inside the pharmacy to watch her work and allowed me to help her organize the scripts. From then on I knew I HAD to be the pharmacy.

Any who, back to Santa Rosa. I remember it all so vividly. I remember driving up and seeing all the smoke and burnt land. The first day we stopped to eat not too far from Graton Casino and when the owners found out we were there to help they were so appreciative and they told us stories and I just felt so humbled. We drove back and forth that whole week, because there were no hotels available. There were so many people displaced and the fire moved so fast, the priority was to find those who lost homes places to stay and we were ok with that. That is how it should be.

I was definitely not ready for what I saw, the emotions I felt, and the stories I heard. It took a lot out of me to see all that and try to be strong in the midst of it all. I know a lot of people reading might be like, “WTF it’s not like you experienced it. You did lose your home and everything in it.” True I did not and I can’t imagine what it’s like for all those directly affected who are still trying to rebuild up to today.  The first day everyone had their phones near by and every time their phones went off I could feel myself holding my breath. Many employees would drop what they were doing and run out because they needed to evacuate. Everyone was on edge. We all worked long hours with minimum sleep and dealt with whatever struggles we faced that day.

I say I was not ready because nothing could ever have prepared me for that week. So many of the patients that came to the pharmacy were displaced. They lost EVERYTHING to that fire. The pharmacies were running low on meds, tension and stress levels were high. We tried to remain as calm as we could but really how could we? Patients were frustrated, looked defeated, lost, sad and angry. We became their punching bags or shoulders  to cry on, we did our best to be strong for them and do what we could to assist in any way no matter how long it took. We took on tasks we normally would not have and I don’t regret any of it.

All this takes a toll on us. To hear such devastating stories and to see it all in person is totally different from watching it on the news. It didn’t help that while we were miles and miles away from home trying to assist we still had to perform our job functions at our home facility.  So after commuting 4 hours daily, working at least 10 hour days we still had to make sure we stayed on top of our tasks which meant working at home and doing the same thing again for the next 4 days.

I was spread too thin.  I put myself in an environment that was just too much. I tried to do too much and couldn’t stay on top of anything! The past few days my hands have been tingling like feeling numb and it happens when my anxiety starts to build up. There are just so many projects at work that I can’t seem to get done. So many tasks to complete, it’s as if I complete one task and 5 more get added. Too many meetings on and offsite which makes it so much harder to complete everything I need. I missed due dates for certain things, I messing up things and I should know better not to.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for all the projects, tasks and everything else I have been trusted with, I just need to find that work-life balance. I’ve even started leaving my lap top at work so that I can’t log into anything work related… and yet I feel defeated. I try to get everything done at work, have time for the home life and time for what makes me happy, which is arts and crafts. I’ve found that the older I get there is just never enough time in the day…

For some people this may seem trivial or that I’m just feeling sorry for myself or looking for pity and truly that is not the case. I can’t explain it’s just how I feel and I know there are others out there who understand, once we get into this mindset it’s difficult to find our way  out, but I won’t stop trying.

Tomorrow is a new day…

 

a hell of a paradox

Khaye Co

It’s officially Mental Health Awareness month.  A few people have asked what is like to have anxiety and depression…Where to begin?! It’s so hard to describe everything I’m thinking or feeling when you don’t really know exactly how you’re feeling.

It’s this overwhelming feeling of wanting to do so many things but not having the will power. It’s feeling anxious about every little thing. This overwhelming worry about everything.  Not wanting to do anything or go any where because of a million reasons in your head about what can go wrong. The appearance of being lazy but in reality you’re just overwhelmed by everything. I could be totally excited about something but depression makes it seem like it’s no big deal. It’s feeling scared and tired all at once, the fear of failing but not wanting to take initiative. Wanting to care about everything then not caring about anything.

The days where you feel like you’re ok, but everyone around you thinks otherwise and pushes and pushes to the point where you are no longer ok but more irritated and angry at the fact they won’t let up. Then thinking about why you got so irritated and angry then feeling so guilty, it’s a viscous cycle. It’s trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt but thinking the worse case scenario. It’s wanting to be with friends but hate the thought of socializing.

There are days where everything is going just great and your surrounded by all your friends and family but you start to pull away from the group. There are moments when we go out, have a great time and out of no where regretting having gone out and just want to get home as soon as possible. Almost 98% of the time I will choose being a homebody over going any where. It’s pulling away from your friends, no longer doing the things you enjoyed or going to the places you used to frequent. There are times I feel like I’m having a panic attack when meeting someone new or being in large crowds. It’s having all these different scenarios in your head where people don’t like you, are making fun of you or getting embarrassed. I could think of how a whole conversation and encounter can go in my head and everything could go wrong. It’s not wanting to ask a stranger a simple question.

Some days are just more difficult than others. I feel the world on my shoulder and nothing I do or say seems to be right and no one can help. These are days I’ll be driving or in the shower and realize I’m crying uncontrollably and not knowing what the reason is.  It could be something I heard on the radio or TV, maybe a conversation we had recently or even years ago. There are days when I just want to be alone, but at the same time not wanting to be lonely. It’s nothing personal sometimes I just need the space. It’s the nights you lose sleep thinking about things from years ago. It’s also the mornings you lay in bed all day because you just can’t get up.I overthink and push people away then feel abandoned.  It’s feeling broken and no one can put the pieces together. It’s feeling like you’re never good enough for anything

I feel everything all out once and so strongly then feel numb to it all.

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”- Robin Williams

Who knew?

Khaye Co

In my last post I mentioned how talking about mental illness was a no no, especially in my family. How ironic that my closest cousin also has suffered from depression and anxiety? Our environment growing up, we were expected to get good grades, get into a good college, and listen to our elders (regardless of our own beliefs, wants or needs). We grew up in your traditional Asian home, primarily Filipino culture (Chinese/ Filipino and Korean/Filipino) We were never good at showing affection or emotions.

Growing up I can hardly remember ever saying “I Love you,” in our home. I grew up with my grandparents (I’ll write a separate blog regarding this) Don’t get me wrong, everything I have, who I am now, and my values I have my grandparents to thank! My grandma is the sole reason I am who I am, if it weren’t for her I truly would not know what my life would be like now? .

Who remembers anything before they were 6 years old? I certainly don’t, but long story short…

I was born here in California, but I ended up in the Philippines with my immediate family.  It could have been due to the pollution or heat there, but I was in the hospital on a weekly basis, my grandma begged my parents to bring me back to California (at least that’s what she said.) To her other grandchildren she was Mommy Lola, but for me she was Mommy.  I could go on and on about her and I will have a post solely on her, but let’s get back to what inspired this blog…

I had no idea that all these years someone else in my family was going through the same exact thing? As I’ve mentioned our family was not big on emotions. We were told to be good children, what exactly does that mean?! For our family it meant straight As, doing your chores without being told, being home right after school and do as we are told. I lived a sheltered life. I have also suffered not only emotionally, but mentally and physically within those four walls (I’ll save this for another day).

Most of the questions during dinners were and we rarely talked during dinner:

How was school? How are your grades? Why weren’t you home by 3 PM? Where were you? Who were you with?

Not once was I asked, “How are you?” At that time that was the norm. I didn’t even think twice about answering their questions. I didn’t even realize until now that we never talked about how we were feeling. In hindsight, starting from 4th grade all through college I wish my family asked how I was, but then again how would I have answered? Is that the reason why I can’t fully explain how I feel?

It is as if I have been programmed to block out emotions in general. How did I not see she was suffering? Were we just both really good at hiding it? Why did we hide it?

I can’t answer these questions for her, but for me… it was numerous things, but off the top of my head:

-FEAR
-Stigma
-thinking “it’s all in my head”
-Pressures from grandparents, school, work
-not wanting to admit I was different
–needed to be strong
-didn’t want to disappoint
-didn’t want to be labeled as crazy
–thinking”it’s just a phase”

I wish I wrote this sooner or had spoke out about sooner. I wish I could have seen the signs and we could have gone through it together. She is definitely like a sister to me and we have spent countless summers and days together. I’ve replayed so many memories in my head, all I can remember are happy days driving around, shopping, getting food and nights of laughter, studying, arts and crafts. I guess it’s a good thing that our memories together are positive moments, an escape.

Since my post from last night she has also taken the first step in seeking help and I could not be any prouder! My story has helped her realize she isn’t alone in this, not any more. We now have each other and I didn’t think it was possible but we feel closer to each other now than ever before.

This is Me, Mental Illness and All

Khaye Co

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Hello Everyone,

For those who know me, know I’m a very private person when it comes my struggles. I have been going back and forth about creating this blog or even speaking about my personal issues for some time now. When I turned 30 a few months ago it was as if a light bulb turned on in my mind and I knew I had to do or say something to take the first step in seeking help. It has been a long road to taking the first step, unfortunately it took being completely undone to reach this point.

For the longest time when I have been asked, “How are you?” my answer has always been “Fine.” In reality I was as far from “Fine.” I just could never put to words all the emotions and thoughts going through my mind. This may come as a surprise to a lot of my friends and family. The purpose of this blog is not to gain pity or attention. My only goal or hope is that in by writing and sharing my story I can somehow reach at least ONE person out there to help them realize they are NOT ALONE.

It’s time to #BreakTheStigma. Mental illness is real and for almost all my life it has been taboo to even mention it. With Mental Health Awareness just around the corner, it is definitely fitting to start the conversation. 1 out of 4 adults suffer from some form of mental illness, let’s finally talk about it. It took almost 30 years but I’m glad I took that first step in accepting I wasn’t well and finding someone to reach out to for help.

Life hasn’t been easy and I’m sure I’m not the only one. We all have our struggles, some are internal, some are consequences of our past, whatever it is we all have “baggage” . I strongly believe in the saying, “Treat others as you would like to be treated,” we truly do not know what someone is going through. In this day and age sometimes compassion and empathy are often forgotten in our day to day encounters, let’s change this.

My name is Kharren, friends call me Khaye and I suffer from anxiety and depression. I will no longer be silent. I have come to terms that I have an illness and I’m learning to cope. There is no shame in speaking about it, #IDontMind. It has definitely been difficult to figure out where and when did it all changed? Have I always been this way? When did I stop being me? What is wrong? What happened? Who was I before? What did I enjoy doing? How do I cope? Where do I start? What do I do? What’s next?

I read online somewhere, “Depression is a flaw in chemistry not character.” It’s true, my core values have not changed, but I know I am definitely not who I used to be or maybe what I pretended to be?  As I try to figure out the answers to these questions, feel free to come along on my journey to finding myself once again. Better yet, maybe you too have similar questions for yourself? There is no shame in seeking help, it’s a step in the right direction and who are others to judge us? We are getting the help we need. If after reading this and some people shy away from me, I’ll understand. I would hope that those closest to me will see past the stigma.

Until next time…