They say when it rains it pours, well there has been an internal storm for about 2 weeks now. I have tried to put my best foot forward but with the stresses of work, and just life in general, it’s making it really difficult. It’s as if life is saying, “Oh things are going really great for you, let me throw you a curve ball really quick!”
The perfect word for how I feel today, defeated. It’s not just today it is a build up from the last couple of weeks. It is as if I take a step forward but then 2 steps back. Starting to feel like no matter what I do I just can’t get out of this funk. I get over one hump just to find 10 more ahead of me.
I can’t seem to find that work-life balance. I can feel getting burnt out and wearing myself thin. It was the same exact emotions I felt during Santa Rosa fires back in October. (Which I have come to the conclusion was my breaking point)
October 2017 was definitely one of the most stressful months for me. A fire broke out in Santa Rosa and I met quite a few people during my work travels and absolutely love that area. Great food, awesome drinks and even better company, what more could you ask for? I remember waking up Oct 9th going to work and we had an emergency meeting. There was no doubt that I wanted to volunteer to go to Santa Rosa and help out any way I can.
There was no way I could be a nurse like my grandparents wanted. I’m such a baby when it comes to needles, blood and just bodily fluids in general. I chose to have a career in Pharmacy because of my neighborhood pharmacist, she was a pillar in our community. I wanted to be just like her. She was someone everyone trusted, she was helpful, smart and admirable. We had to do a project in school and she was supportive and encouraged me to follow my dreams. She even let me inside the pharmacy to watch her work and allowed me to help her organize the scripts. From then on I knew I HAD to be the pharmacy.
Any who, back to Santa Rosa. I remember it all so vividly. I remember driving up and seeing all the smoke and burnt land. The first day we stopped to eat not too far from Graton Casino and when the owners found out we were there to help they were so appreciative and they told us stories and I just felt so humbled. We drove back and forth that whole week, because there were no hotels available. There were so many people displaced and the fire moved so fast, the priority was to find those who lost homes places to stay and we were ok with that. That is how it should be.
I was definitely not ready for what I saw, the emotions I felt, and the stories I heard. It took a lot out of me to see all that and try to be strong in the midst of it all. I know a lot of people reading might be like, “WTF it’s not like you experienced it. You did lose your home and everything in it.” True I did not and I can’t imagine what it’s like for all those directly affected who are still trying to rebuild up to today. The first day everyone had their phones near by and every time their phones went off I could feel myself holding my breath. Many employees would drop what they were doing and run out because they needed to evacuate. Everyone was on edge. We all worked long hours with minimum sleep and dealt with whatever struggles we faced that day.
I say I was not ready because nothing could ever have prepared me for that week. So many of the patients that came to the pharmacy were displaced. They lost EVERYTHING to that fire. The pharmacies were running low on meds, tension and stress levels were high. We tried to remain as calm as we could but really how could we? Patients were frustrated, looked defeated, lost, sad and angry. We became their punching bags or shoulders to cry on, we did our best to be strong for them and do what we could to assist in any way no matter how long it took. We took on tasks we normally would not have and I don’t regret any of it.
All this takes a toll on us. To hear such devastating stories and to see it all in person is totally different from watching it on the news. It didn’t help that while we were miles and miles away from home trying to assist we still had to perform our job functions at our home facility. So after commuting 4 hours daily, working at least 10 hour days we still had to make sure we stayed on top of our tasks which meant working at home and doing the same thing again for the next 4 days.
I was spread too thin. I put myself in an environment that was just too much. I tried to do too much and couldn’t stay on top of anything! The past few days my hands have been tingling like feeling numb and it happens when my anxiety starts to build up. There are just so many projects at work that I can’t seem to get done. So many tasks to complete, it’s as if I complete one task and 5 more get added. Too many meetings on and offsite which makes it so much harder to complete everything I need. I missed due dates for certain things, I messing up things and I should know better not to.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for all the projects, tasks and everything else I have been trusted with, I just need to find that work-life balance. I’ve even started leaving my lap top at work so that I can’t log into anything work related… and yet I feel defeated. I try to get everything done at work, have time for the home life and time for what makes me happy, which is arts and crafts. I’ve found that the older I get there is just never enough time in the day…
For some people this may seem trivial or that I’m just feeling sorry for myself or looking for pity and truly that is not the case. I can’t explain it’s just how I feel and I know there are others out there who understand, once we get into this mindset it’s difficult to find our way out, but I won’t stop trying.
Tomorrow is a new day…
Khaye's Khronicles 